Curse

Alex319 · Jun 30, 2005, 03:42 AM // 03:42

This is a humorous story I am writing that is a parody of MMORPGs and a lot of the cliches and conventions associated with them. (Actually it's more than just that, there's scenes that make fun of other types of computer games as well.) The story is about a young adventurer who finds himself facing unemployment because of a lack of evil to fight, but soon discovers a legend of an ancient portal such that no one who has gone through it has ever returned. Unbeknownst to him, though, the portal conceals a threat greater than anything he could have imagined...

-- A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR --

I am going to be quitting using this forum shortly, and won't be posting new updates here. However, there is still plenty more to the story! I have five "parts" already planned out and so far I'm barely into the second one. Further updates will be posted on FictionPress.com . To see the updates, use this link .
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Chapter Index

Prologue
Prologue: The Instruction Manual

Part 1: The Gate To Carpathia
Chapter 1: "Dude, Where's My Evil?"
Chapter 2: Bazaar Report
Chapter 3: Looking For Group
Chapter 4: The Highway Of Danger
Chapter 5: Princess Rescue
Chapter 6: Keeper of the Map
Chapter 7: Prison Derision

Part 2: Side Quests, Snide Quests
Chapter 8: "Welcome to Carpathia!"
Chapter 9: Special Delivery

To be continued (See above for details...)

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Prologue: The Instruction Manual

A long time ago, the universe was created.

This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. Wait, never mind, scratch that. Ripping off Douglas Adams quotes may be good for a cheap laugh once in a while, but using one for the first two sentences of a story indicates a pathological lack of originality. Let’s try this again. We can be more creative this time.

A long time ago, the universe was created. This was a small universe, having only one sun, one planet orbiting that sun, and only one continent on the planet. Like most universes, it was created by a set of gods and goddesses, also known by their gender-neutral term, “deities”. And these deities were a lot like the deities of Greek mythology: lots of human qualities, prone to bickering, having affairs with each other, and so on. Actually, scratch that, they weren’t like humans at all. If they were anything like humans, there’s no way they could have created the universe. I mean, come on, anyone who’s ever been in a committee knows that if a committee of human-like deities tried to design the universe, after a few billion years they’d still be arguing just over the correct values of the fundamental physical constants, let alone getting around to actually creating anything. But anyway, there were deities for each field of human endeavor, such as Kelendara, the Goddess of Wisdom; Meltrexonus, the God of War; Pat, the Bisexual Deity of People With One-Syllable Names, and so on. But there was one god that was unique to this universe: Technetrion, the God of Technobabble.

Nobody knows precisely what the word “technobabble” actually means. Various scholars have translated the word as “advanced technology,” “meaningless jargon,” and “contrived, overused plot device.” But what is most important is that Technetrion put into the world an “interspatial energy source” – an energy source more powerful than anything else in the universe. The interspatial energy source consists of two powerful devices at opposite ends of the continent, each buried hundreds of kilometers underground, that produce disturbances in the space-time continuum that trickle up to the surface. Technetrion prophesized that when the human race developed technology powerful enough to harvest the energy from the energy sources, it could control the entire planet and eliminate all traces of evil and misery, and after that was done it could use the energy to reach out into space and explore new worlds, new star systems, and perhaps even new galaxies. (Of course, that would not be possible immediately, as the astute reader will recall that there was only one planet in this universe, but that is the kind of thing you can usually fix with post-release patches.)

But the evil goddess Trimexia, ruler of the monsters, had other plans. She wanted to stop the humans from gaining control of the energy sources. One of the energy sources was already occupied by the humans’ first and largest settlement. So Trimexia seeded the world with evil monsters, hundreds of thousands of them, of all different types. The monsters had only one mission: to hold on to the other energy source, at all costs.

The humans expanded their civilization relentlessly, and in just a few short centuries human civilization spanned virtually the entire continent, and the humans had encroached upon the monsters’ territory. The monsters rose up and fought back, waging a fierce war against the human armies. The monsters were more powerful than even Trimexia had hoped. The monsters beat back the human forces all the way to their original settlement, the one on top of the first energy source, which became known as “Carpathia”.

The human forces were becoming dispirited, as they knew they were fighting a losing battle. The red dots of the monsters encircled the blue dots of the humans and began moving in. The human armies’ orange morale bars had become nearly depleted. It would not be long before the monsters captured the humans’ energy source and then they would be the rulers of the universe. So, all at once, all the humans got together and simultaneously made a desperate plea to their gods and goddesses, beseeching them to save them from the coming onslaught.

Unfortunately, the massive number of simultaneous prayer requests flooded the deities’ brains like an onslaught of HTTP requests from a distributed denial-of-service attack, and the deities were so overwhelmed that their only choice was to retreat from the affairs of mankind, and leave the humans to their own devices. Fortunately, a small group of heroes snuck behind enemy lines and managed to travel to the Temple of the Gods, hoping to find the Super-Secret Ancient Divine Artifact (hereafter referred to as the SSADA) that they could use to alter the fabric of the universe. (I use the term “fabric” loosely here, as it was, of course, not literal “fabric” that they were altering. “Scientific laws” might be a better term. This, of course, raises the question of why I used the word “fabric” in the first place when I could have just said “scientific laws” and eliminated the need for this lengthy three-sentence parenthetical digression. But anyway, let’s get back to the point. Wait a second, two sentences ago, I said it was a “three-sentence” digression, but if you could the last sentence it’s four, and if you count this one too it’s five. And if you count this sentence it’s six, and if you count the sentence after this one it’s seven. Whatever, let’s return to our regularly scheduled plot.)

The heroes did in fact the find the SSADA. However, there was a slight problem in that the SSADA relied upon the gods for its power (hence the D in SSADA), and, as mentioned above, the gods were no longer operating in the universe. (They would, in fact, come back online, but not for a couple hundred years, well after the war had been decided.) However, the heroes did find something that was even more powerful than the SSADA. It was a holy book, which contained all the information the humans needed to survive against the monsters. And this book became known by the label which appeared on its cover, which said “Instruction Manual.”

The most surprising piece of information contained within the Instruction Manual was its description of the experience-point system. According to the Manual, the way the experience point system worked was that every time a human killed a monster, the human would receive points, and when a certain number of points was attained, the human could “level up,” which increases their power. And since, of course, power is the one thing that almost all humans strive for, this revelation had a significant effect on human behavior.

Driven by the desire for levels and power, a large group of humans began fighting with all their might. These humans became known as “adventurers,” and they were the most effective fighting force the humans had ever seen. The tide of battle shifted dramatically, and the humans began to make their comeback. (By the way, why do we often use the term “tide of battle”? Tides shift in and out twice a day, never stopping, while in a battle one side wins sooner or later. Perhaps “football of battle” or “soccer ball of battle” would be a more apt metaphor.) With every kill the adventurers grew stronger. Hundreds of blue dots poured out of the green objective point and pushed back the red dots all the way across the strategic minimap. Despite the success of the Instruction Manual at motivating the adventurers to fight harder, some philosophical thinkers soon questioned the authenticity of the Manual, claiming that some of the things in it defied common sense. I mean, the experience-point system can easily be interpreted as a (however imperfect) mathematical abstraction of an actual human learning process. But the part about even the most powerful poisons wearing off immediately after you leave combat? Or the part about having to choose between a limited list of dialogue options when talking to an NPC? Those had to be mistakes. Because of this, people soon came to the conclusion that the Manual was false, and people soon forgot its teachings. The Manual passed into memory, and from memory into history, and from history into myth, and from myth into legend, and from legend back to history again, and from history into superstition, although not necessarily in that order.

The war raged on. Purple resource bars filled up and were just as quickly depleted as both sides poured all their energy into the fight. Blue dots and red dots turned into dark brown corpse dots across the globe. Actually it technically was not a globe, as anyone taking a cursory glance at the world map can see that it was in fact flat. Not that many people knew, however, that the world map did in fact wrap around from left to right, which would mean that the planet was not flat, but cylindrical. Even fewer people knew that in addition to wrapping around from left to right, it wrapped around from top to bottom, which would only be possible if the planet was shaped like a torus, which would be impossible for a whole host of other reasons, but if we keep getting bogged down in little minutiae like internal consistency we’ll never get to the exciting parts where things get blown up.

It is now almost four thousand years after the great war. Humans emerged largely victorious, and as of now there are very few places that are still under the control of the monsters. But the victory was not without a price. Driven by their desire for experience points, the humans forgot why they were fighting, and continued their hunt to exterminate every last trace of the monsters long after the threat had passed. The monsters fought back, and the humans and monsters became locked in perpetual warfare which continues even to this day. Even the knowledge of the location of the second interspatial energy source, the original impetus for the fighting, became lost to history. (The phrase “lost to history” may be misleading, as it implies that the information was lost via a gradual, vaguely defined process. In this particular case, however, it can be determined that the aforementioned knowledge was lost at precisely 1:16 P.M. on November 17, 1463 A.C., when someone accidentally turned on the “Hide Strategic Objective Waypoints” option on the Global Map, and nobody could figure out how to turn it off again since they had thrown away the manual.)

Humans settled the entire continent, forming a total of 378 kingdoms. (By the way, 378 is an arbitrary number. So don’t try to ascribe any mathematical or numerological significance to it. Although 378 in base 10 is equal to 42 in base 94. And 94 in base 10 equals 42 in base 23. But I just figured that out, after I came up with the number 378. It is a coincidence. Really. Just go with me on this.) The kingdom of Carpathia is still the largest, most technologically advanced kingdom on the continent, and they have developed to the point where they can tap the interspatial energy sources. All that was necessary now was to locate the other interspatial energy source, and humans could end their perpetual war with the monsters.

But unbeknownst to the any of the humans, the evil goddess Trimexia had returned from her multi-millenium-long hiatus and was forming a secret plan to capture both energy sources, and in one fell swoop, eliminate all the humans that were a plague on the land. Also unbeknownst to any of the humans, the second energy source was located directly in the middle of the small, idyllic, peaceful kingdom of Altaria.

And it is here that our epic tale of killing, adventure, killing, romance, killing, intrigue, killing, and more killing begins.

Alex319 · Jun 30, 2005, 03:48 AM // 03:48

Chapter 1: “Dude, Where’s My Evil?”

The kingdom of Altaria contained many of the features common to fantasy kingdoms of their time: primitive medieval technology, outdated monarchical imperialist dogma, ridiculously tall towers that serve no other purpose than to imprison captured princesses in the most conspicuous location possible, plenty of dragons to capture said princesses (you wonder why the dragons do that. They know they’re just going to get killed by the hero), and magic, lots of magic. Despite all these apparently primitive traditions, Altaria managed to remain at peace, protected by a dedicated corps of adventuring heroes that fought evil relentlessly. These adventurers could always be recognized by their rallying cry: “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of loot and experience points.”

That all changed one fateful day, when a magical teleportation portal appeared just outside the capital city. Ambassadors from the other side came through, and spread the word of great things that were on their side of the portal. They said that on their side was another great kingdom, called Carpathia, and that it was not only peaceful but also had even more opportunities to fight evil for fun and profit. The people were suspicious though, because if there really was that much evil to fight, then how could Carpathia remain peaceful for so long? Nevertheless, adventurers lined up to pass through what would soon become known to all as “The Gate to Carpathia”.

Dozens of adventurers passed through the portal, but none ever returned. Each new adventurer who did not return increased the uncertainty about what lay beyond. If nobody was coming back, then something had to be trapping them or killing them. But what could be doing such a thing? Was there some evil demonic being looking to recruit unsuspecting people for a diabolical plan? Or could it be something even more sinister? Each person who went through merely increased the desire of other adventurers to go through the portal, for the adventurers craved risk and excitement. But it was not long before it was clear that something had to be done.

So many adventurers passed through the portal that, if something were not done soon, the entire kingdom would soon be depopulated. So the king gathered all the best wizards in the land to cast a gigantic, powerful spell that would close off the portal forever. However, the spell failed: it did not completely destroy the portal, but merely moved the entry point to a different location. This was considered a success, though, because nobody knew just where the new entry point was, so no more foolish adventurers could succumb to the Gate’s temptations.

Nevertheless, the decision to close the portal was made too late, for too many adventurers had already passed through. There were no longer enough adventurers left in Altaria to defend the kingdom against the forces of evil. The forces of evil saw the weakness and exploited it, destroying outlying towns and even invading the cities. The people were angry at the king for dragging his feet on the whole portal issue, and so they stormed the palace and deposed the king. The old era of peace had been shattered, and the era of war quickly took its place.

For the next four hundred years the kingdom was beset by turmoil. Various factions fought for power, the evil forces continued attacking, and the severely weakened adventuring heroes could do little to stop it. But after these 400 years, a new ruler, Prince Arthanis, came to the throne. He ended the fighting, beat back the forces of evil, trained up a new generation of adventurers, and within a decade transformed Altaria from a perpetual war zone into the haven of peace that it once was.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Prince Arthanis must be a really good ruler.” And most of the people living in Altaria at the time thought that too. But they were wrong. I mean, really wrong. Prince Arthanis was actually a quite incompetent prince. Of course now you’re thinking, “If he was really incompetent, how did he defeat all the evil so fast?” I could tell you the answer to that, but that would spoil the plot. Wait a second, I might have spoiled the plot just by telling you that giving you the answer might spoil the plot, so I’m sorry. Also, I might have spoiled the plot even more just by telling you that last sentence. Whatever. Now that I’ve completely spoiled the plot, let’s get on with the story.

SPOILER ALERT: The previous paragraph contains plot spoilers. If you don’t want to have the plot spoiled for you, don’t read the previous paragraph. Of course, by the time you get to this paragraph, you will have already read the previous paragraph. This means I should have put the Spoiler Alert before the previous paragraph. I’m sorry. Actually, now that I think of it, the aforementioned paragraph might not have plot spoilers in it after all. So it’s okay to read it. Forget what I just said.

“You have completed your last and final test”, Prince Arthanis told Adrian. “Now, you will be officially known as one of the elite Paladins of Altaria!”

Adrian was skeptical. “Are you saying that’s it? I mean, I paid 3,000 gold pieces for this training course, and all I got was the three tutorial quests. I ‘m still 1st level, and I still don’t have much of a clue where to go next. I mean, there was nothing about where to go to get quests or equipment or anything!”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” said Arthanis. “I am the one who gives all the quests. I have an endless supply of quests.”

“Okay,” said Adrian. “Can I have my first quest?”

Arthanis looked in his Quest Notebook. “I’m sorry, it looks like I don’t have any quests to give you right now. I’m all out. Come back in a few days and I might have another one.”

“What do you mean you don’t have any quests for me to do? Aren’t there evil monsters lying in wait in the wilderness to prey on unsuspecting travelers, and I’m supposed to eliminate them?”

“Well, I guess all the evil’s been exterminated for now. If you want to fight evil, you’ll have to find your own.”

“And where might I do that?”

“That’s easy. Go to the tavern. There’s never a shortage of work there.”

Caco-Cola · Jun 30, 2005, 05:46 AM // 05:46

Off to the tavern then.

That spoiler part confused me but w/e.

Alex319 · Jun 30, 2005, 10:11 PM // 22:11

Chapter 2: Bazaar Report

Adrian went to the tavern. The first thing he noticed was a sign in the front:

***

Welcome to Crazy Joe’s Bar & Grill
NOTICE: No Quests Available Now
Sorry, We Can’t Find Any Evil Either

***

“I might as well go into the tavern,” Adrian thought. “Even if there are no quests here, maybe I might be able to find someone who can.

Adrian started to talk to some of the people in the tavern. However, he noticed that most of them only gave the same line, such as “Hello”, over and over again. A few of them had slightly more advanced A.I. and, after a few tries talking to them, switched from saying “Hello” to “Can you please stop bothering me? You know I’m not going to give you any new information!” But even the ones that did give information didn’t give any information that would be useful for finding quests. Adrian did notice a newspaper on the table, which he picked up and read:

****

Unemployment Rate for Adventurers at Record High Levels
Analysts Blame “Evil Shortage”; Prince Arthanis Announces Job Creation Plan

According to the latest economic census, the unemployment rate for adventurers and heroes has increased for the 10th straight year to 47 percent, the highest it has been in over 400 years. While adventurers could once count on a steady supply of income from thwarting evil schemes and killing horrible monsters, they are increasingly finding that, in the words of one 12th level paladin, “there just isn’t enough evil out there left to fight anymore.” “No kobold! No goblin! No guga-gat! No ouga-douga-bibberbasher!” complained Kreg Grok, a 7th-level half-orc fighter. Adventurers not directly involved in combat have also been affected. “Everywhere I go in this kingdom, it seems like all the ancient desecrated temples have already been purified,” explained Halia Hieron, a 14th level human cleric. “I know, yes, I probably could put my skills to use healing the peasantry, but back at the seminary all they taught me was the basic healing spells, curing spells, and the combat enhancers. None of those would be useful domestically – what I really need is a “Cure Scurvy and Malnutrition” spell or a “Purge Bubonic Plague” spell – those might be useful.” Nevertheless, while analysts are unable to explain the trend, predictions for the future look grim for adventurers. The trend shows no signs of reversing.

On the political front, reactions to the news were mixed. Many non-adventurers are happy with the situation, praising Prince Arthanis for his “wise and benevolent rule” that has led the kingdom to a state of near-complete peace for the past 10 years. “Since Prince Arthanis came to the throne our farm hasn’t been attacked by bandits once,” explained a peasant. “Now maybe some adventurer doesn’t get his glory, but at least I can eat for once.” While Prince Arthanis has a record-high approval rating of 87 percent among the peasant and serf demographics, many are skeptical about whether his strict “anti-evil” policies bode well for the kingdom’s future. “Unless Prince Arthanis wants to return Altaria to a completely agricultural economy and destroy all progress we have made toward an industrialized society, the fact of the matter is that getting rid of all the jobs for adventurers is simply economic suicide,” said an economist with the Royal Guild of Economists. However, Prince Arthanis says he has a plan to give the adventurers new jobs by “using their prowess in fighting evil to solve the challenges of a new millennium.” In a recent speech, he explained: “For example, thieves who specialize in sneaking into places and stealing other people’s hard-earned stashes are being actively recruited as tax collection agents. So, as you can see, I really do have a plan for leading this kingdom to a better economy. So vote for me next election. Wait a second, we don’t have elections; we’re not a democracy yet. But you can at least not try to assassinate me. That would be a big help.”

***

Adrian also noticed a section of wall several feet across where almost the entire top third or so was framed and seemed to be displaying a moving image. He had seen crystal balls that displayed images of far-away places before, but this was new. It was displaying a moving image. Almost everyone in the tavern was looking at it, so Adrian started watching it too. This is what he saw…

***

This is Andrew Briarton, and you’re watching “Bazaar Report.” Our latest economic statistics don’t show much relief for thousands of freelance adventurers who can’t find jobs due to a lack of villainy in the kingdom. As you see from this graph, total acts of villainy have decreased by an annualized rate of 17.8 percent in the first quarter alone. The lack of villains has decreased the demand for adventurers to exterminate them, so more and more adventurers now find themselves looking for work. The unemployment rate for heroes is now at an all-time high of 47 percent and rising rapidly, and without any new source of evil villains, the prospects are only looking worse. Also, the problem has become so widespread that it is having a ripple effect in other sectors of the economy. To find out more about this often-overlooked side of the hero-unemployment problem, we talked to local businessman Christopher Mazeroth.

AB: Hello, Christopher Mazeroth. Welcome to “Bazaar Report.”.
CM: Thank you, Andrew. I’ve noticed lots of bizarre stuff happening lately. First of all, a bunch of –
AB: I think you’re misunderstanding something. It’s not “BIZARRE report.” It’s “BAZAAR,” as in one of those open-air marketplaces. Anyway, let’s get back on track. Christopher Mazeroth, exactly what line of work are you in?
CM: I run a temple on the outskirts of the city. We do healing, divine combat enhancements, that sort of thing. With all the long distances people have to travel on foot these days, given that we haven’t even developed horse-drawn carriage technology, people will pay a lot even for a 15 percent or so run speed boost.
AB: Thank you, Christopher Mazeroth. Also, Christopher –
CM: You know, you can just call me “Chris” if you want to. You don’t have to use my full name every single time.
AB: I’m sorry. It’s just that in this dialogue script they gave me they said that every time you see the tag “$NAME” you insert the name the interviewee wrote down on the interview form, so I was just following directions. You know, I only appear in this one scene, so my AI isn’t very sophisticated. But anyway, Chris, how has the recent downturn in employment affected your business?
CM: Well, in particular, the healing business is really down the tubes because nobody comes to the temple to get healed anymore. It’s just there aren’t any monsters that hurt people, so they don’t need healing.
AB: I’m not so sure about that, Chris. I know a lot of people that need healing. What with the rise in malnutrition and increasing spread of infectious diseases –
CM: I can’t believe how many times I’ve had to tell people this. We can heal injuries sustained in combat, like if you got your leg sliced off by a sword. And I know we also say we can protect against diseases. We can, but not all diseases. Like, those necromancer spells that give you a debilitating disease that goes away after 30 seconds – if you have one of my Super-Panacea Disease Protection spells on you it will go away after 24 seconds. But diseases that are caused by non-magical causes – we can’t help you with those.
AB: Thank you. So, what have you been doing to deal with the decrease in business?
CM: I’ve had to diversify into new areas. Particularly, I’ve started to craft magical items to sell to supplement my income. It’s actually harder than most people think. I mean, given that we live in a primitive culture that hasn’t even developed bulletin board or poster technology, so the only way to sell anything is to stand in the middle of the town square and shout “WTS this, WTS that” and hope that someone hears you over all the spam in the trade channel, sometime it takes a long time to actually sell anything.
AB: So how has that part of your business been doing?
CM: Not as well as it used to be. There aren’t as many heroes going off to fight evil, so they don’t need as much of my equipment. I actually do all the crafting myself – after all I do have artisan as a subclass – but because of the downturn I’ve had to lay off both my quality-control person and my repair technician.
AB: So you’re saying that you don’t know if any of your magical items work, and if they turn out not to work you can’t fix them.
CM: If you think of it that way, I guess that’s about right.
AB: And people still buy them from you?
CM: Right now, Prince Arthanis is my biggest customer. Once every two weeks or so he comes by and buys almost my entire stock. I’m not sure what he does with them, I think he says he gives them as rewards to people who complete his training.
AB: That’s all the questions I have for you right now. Thank you, Chris.
CM: Thank you, Andrew.

Despite the best efforts of Prince Arthanis to find a solution to the unemployment crisis, the problem continues to grow. As for now, though, the commonly held wisdom still holds true: go to the town square, and look for other people who are also looking for a group. Good luck, and you’re going to need it. I’m Andrew Briarton, from “Bazaar Report.” We’ll be right back after these brief messages…

Alex319 · Jul 04, 2005, 02:30 AM // 02:30

Chapter 3: Looking For Group

Later, at the town square...

Adrian looked around at all the people in the town square. The one thing he noticed was that almost all of them seemed to be walking around aimlessly shouting out unintelligible phrases:

“LFG for TGTC!”
“WTS +3 sword 18-26 dmg +8 armor!”
“WTB PBAOE DOT spell scroll!”
“Level 14 warrior LFG for TGTC!”
“Group LFM LV 7-10 healers!”
“Level 6 wizard LFG for TGTC!”

Adrian noticed that the source of that last line was a person standing right in front of him. He walked up to him and tried to talk to him.
“Hello. I’m Beltrax, level 6 wizard. Are you LFG for TGTC?” the wizard asked.
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Everyone seems to be talking in these weird abbreviations. If they just introduced some new secret code, nobody told me about it,” Adrian said.
“Okay, I’ll explain,” Beltrax said. “LFG means “looking for group”. TGTC stands for “The Gate To Carpathia,” which is the name of the quest we’re trying to complete.”
“Quest? You mean you found a quest? Where did you get the quest?”
“You just have to go to the library and read the Ancient Scrolls of Wisdom. The scrolls tell the story of the Gate to Carpathia. Then you automatically get the quest to go out and find it.”
“I already know the story. The portal appeared, everyone goes through it, the entry point gets moved, 400 years of turmoil, then Prince Arthanis. It’s all in Chapter 1, in the part before the bold Spoiler Alert.”
“I know that. But you still have to read the Scrolls in order to get the quest added to your quest log. Don’t ask me; I have no idea why either.”
“That sounds like a good deal to me. By the way, I’m Adrian, level 1 paladin. Nice to meet you. Are we ready to form a group?”
“I am too. Let’s go!”

Later…

Adrian looked at his Quest Log. This is what he saw:

***********************

The Gate To Carpathia (Primary Quest)

Objectives:

1. Find enough evil to fight so you can level up enough to have even a sliver of a chance at surviving in something other than a newbie monster area.
2. Good luck completing Objective #1, because thanks to Prince Arthanis’ wise and benevolent rule there’s almost no evil left to fight.
3. Look through 247 towns trying to find the one that is next to the cave that houses the Keeper of the Map. (0 of 247 completed)
4. Talk to the mayor of the town to find out the secret code that you have to use to get through the entrance to the cave.
5. Actually go in the cave and defeat the Keeper of the Map, which drops a map with the exact location of the Gate to Carpathia.
6. Go to the location found on the map. But come on, that’s obvious. You should have figured that out even without this last objective being on the list. And if you couldn’t, there’s no way you’ll even come close to this point. So really you shouldn’t need this objective. But it’s on here anyway, just to waste space.

Reward:

What do you mean, reward? Isn’t being the first to solve a 400-year-old mystery reward enough? You mean you want another reward? How about being able to go through the Portal and see what’s on the other side? Is that good enough for you?

*************************

Adrian looked at Beltrax. “So nobody’s completed this quest in 400 years? And judging from what I heard back at the Town Square a lot of people are trying. What makes you think we’ll do any better?”
“First of all, we’re the main characters, of course we’re going to succeed where everyone else has failed. And second of all, how do you know that nobody else has discovered it? All we know is that nobody who has found it and passed through has ever returned. Maybe there’s just something really dangerous on the other side so nobody who has passed through has survived.”
“In that case, I’d like to find out what it is. Maybe we can defeat the evil on the other side once and for all!”

Alex319 · Jul 04, 2005, 03:38 AM // 03:38

Chapter 4: The Highway of Danger

“Well, it says we have to get to 247 towns before we find the one we’re looking for” said Adrian. Dow you have any idea hwere we can find that many towns?”

“That’s easy,” said Beltrax. “We have to go along the Highway of Danger. There’s about one town every mile along that road. I know most of them are exactly the same and have nothing useful in them besides boneheaded inhabitants that just stand inside doing nothing while you barge in and take all their stuff, but I think they still count toward our mission objective.”

“Well then what are we waiting for,” replied Adrian. “Let’s go, then!”

On the Highway of Danger, between Towns 216 and 217…

Adrian and Beltrax were traveling along when they heard a screaming voice form up ahead. “Help me!” the voice cried. “We’re being robbed! That guy is robbing our caravan!” Adrian rushed forward to help the victims, while Beltrax stayed back ready to cast spells if necessary. When Adrian came to the caravan, he saw two people with arrows in them lying motionless on the ground, and three thief-looking guys stealing everything he could from the caravan. “Beltrax, these people need a healing spell now! You help them, I’ll deal with the robber.”

“I’m a wizard, not a cleric. I only have offensive spells. You have your paladin healing spells.”

“I’m only level two! Paladins don’t get healing abilities until level five. I can’t heal them!”

“Then forget them for now. Let’s go after the robbers! Stop them!”

Adrian rushed after the robbers, drew out his sword, and began fighting. The fight was actually quite easy, given that there were only three robbers, rather than the huge bands of a dozen thugs each that he used to hear stories about during the days before Prince Arthanis. The first two robbers fell easily, but the third – the leader of the band - just wouldn’t fall down, no matter how many times Adrian tried to hit him. Beltrax cast a powerful spell that froze the robber in place and sapped his strength. Adrian confronted the robber.

“I am Adrian, of the elite Paladins of Altaria! You must cease your evil now! Stop robbing innocents or you will be smitten down where you stand!”

The robber replied, “Man, another group of adventurers acting all heroic. A man just can’t make an honest living anymore.”

“Honest living? You were robbing people!”

“Well I mean, for a perfectly good while I was making a fine honest living robbing everyone who came. Everything was completely aboveboard and legal. Never killed a person, just shot ‘em once with the immobilization-enchanted arrow, then took everything they owned. But now that that no-good Prince Arthanis came to the throne, he’s been training up all those adventurers so now wherever I go there’s some heroic dude waiting to arrest me.”

“Yes. In fact, Prince Arthanis trained me.”

“But now not only are there a lot of adventurers, there are just no other robbers anymore. Used to have safety in numbers, you know? But since I’m one of the only ones left I really don’t have much protection.”

“Why are there so few robbers so fast?”

“Well, most people say it’s because of all the new adventurers. Everyone likes our new prince, says he’s made the roads safe and all. But I heard there’s this Kalmeth guy going around, heard he’s been giving bribes to evildoers to stop them evildoing. Says it’s part of some evil plan.”

“But if Kalmeth is evil, then why is he getting rid of the evildoers?”

“Don’t know much about it, all I know is that at this point I can pretty much take whatever money comes along. At this rate in just a few weeks I’ll probably starve to death, considering how hard it is to get any money to buy food. Needless to say the Kalmeth guy hasn’t come to me yet, or I wouldn’t be here.”

“But where do all the robbers go if they stop robbing? I haven’t heard of any reformed robbers or anything.”

“I’ve heard through the grapevine that when the Kalmeth guy bribes ‘em he takes them to this place called Carpathia. Don’t know much about it though.”

“Carpathia. Do you know anything about what’s there, where it is, or how to get there?”

“It’s through some magical teleport something-or-other, that’s all I can tell you. Don’t have a clue what’s over there.”

“So it seems you’re not a good source of information,” Adrian said, then turned to Beltrax. “Beltrax, should I continue interrogating the prisoner, or should I just execute him now?”

“You should probably give him some civil liberties first.”

“Don’t know what those are. But Prince Arthanis said that anyone who mentions them is probably a traitor. I’ll just go back to interrogating him.”
Adrian continued interrogating the robber. “Why have you done this? What justification have you for robbing innocents?”

“I said, it’s the only way a man can make money anymore. I mean, I’m a thief character class, so that’s what thieves do. Just trying to make a living, and then some rich adventurer comes up and spoils my fun. I’m going to be a Communist now, with all that’s going on.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I used to be a serf, couldn’t really make a living there, then I was a peasant, couldn’t make a living there either. It’s all because of rich people like you. Every time a member of the proletariat tries to do something, some highfalutin bourgeoisie knight comes in and stops ‘em. It’s the same stuff over and over again. The rich oppressing the poor. The bourgeoisie oppressing the proletariat. I know they say they’re all heroic and all, but they’re really just selfish. All they care about are their experience points and levels and magic items, don’t care anything about the poor independent thieves like me.”

“You do realize that Prince Arthanis is recruiting thieves to act as tax collectors. You could put your talents to good use there.”

“I said I don’t want anything to do with Prince Arthanis. Don’t know why everyone loves him, he’s just the same as all of them – big rich guy who oppresses the proletariat all over the place. That’s why he wants the tax collectors and all those adventurers everyone loves him for. I’m just going to be collecting taxes from more perfectly honest thieves like me, ain’t any better than what I’m in now.”

“So what do you think you are going to do?”

“I don’t know. Right now just waiting for the Kalmeth guy, but maybe I might want to try to find Carpathia myself. There must be something good over there, what with all the thieves going there. On the other hand if they need a bribe to go there, might not be so good.”

“Carpathia? That’s where we’re headed, too.”

“Do you want me to come? I could be a good asset to your team.”

Adrian looked at the robber. “Sorry, it won’t work.”

“Why not?”

“You’re 8th level. That’s six levels above me. If there’s more than a five level difference, I don’t get any experience points.”

“You really believe in all that experience point crap? Just because some ancient instruction manual said it four-thousand-something years ago doesn’t mean you should take it as gospel. You’d better watch out because pretty soon the proletariat’s gonna revolt, and all you bourgeoisie dudes better watch out. I’m telling you, mark my words.”

Adrian turned to Beltrax. “I don’t know what he’s talking about,” he said. “Let’s keep going. Just 31 more towns to go.”

Alex319 · Jul 08, 2005, 03:49 AM // 03:49

Chapter 5: Princess Rescue

Later, at Town 247…

Adrian and Beltrax approached the gate to Town 247. There was a large sign out front that said:

***********
Welcome to Town 247
The End of the Highway of Danger
NOTICE: If you are looking for the cave of the Keeper of the Map, it is 3 miles northwest of this town. The code to get in the door is “Left, Right, Up, Down, Square, Triangle, X, Circle.”

***********

Tacked below it was a poster that read:

***********
NOTICE!!!
Prince Arthanis’ beautiful daughter, Princess Talia, has been kidnapped! He is being held in a dragon’s lair just to the east of here! The one who can rescue her will win half the kingdom* and her hand in marriage**!

* You notice that I’m not telling you whether that means half by population or by land area. There’s probably a reason for that.

** Other body parts not guaranteed.

***********

“I don’t understand,” said Adrian.

“What don’t you understand?” said Beltrax.

“Remember before, on that Bazaar Report show, when they were interviewing that artisan, Chris Mazeroth?”

“Yeah, I saw that show.”

“Yes. And he was talking about how hard it is to sell things because there’s no poster technology? Well that must have changed because there’s a poster right there.”

Beltrax looked at the poster. “What he was saying is, poster technology isn’t available to ordinary civilians yet. What you’re seeing here is just a very advanced experimental poster prototype. Look at your Quest Log, Adrian.”

Adrian looked at his Quest Log. He noticed that a new “Rescue the Princess” quest had magically appeared on the first blank page of the Quest Log, without him having to write down anything. “What’s going on?” Adrian asked.

“I said, this is a very advanced experimental poster prototype, or VAEPP. It has a magical enchantment that automatically updates the Quest Log when you look at it. You see, there’s a lot more to poster technology than just taking a piece of paper and sticking it up on a wall. Posters are a lot more complicated than they look.”

“Whatever. Well, while we’re here, we might as well try to rescue that princess, shall we?”

Later, at the Dragon’s Lair…

Adrian and Beltrax noticed dozens of people hanging out outside the mouth of the Dragon’s Lair. Adrian approached one to find out what was going on.

“What are you doing out here? Aren’t you supposed to be going in to kill the evil dragon and rescue the princess?”

“The dragon? He’s been killed hours ago. We’re just waiting around for Prince Arthanis so he can decide who gets the Princess. I mean, there is a bit of a supply and demand problem here.”

“How does he usually decide?”

“It’s different every time. Sometimes he just lets everyone fight to the
death and the last person alive wins. One time he had everyone who wanted to go out on a one night date with Princess Talia, and then all the viewers got to vote. I even think there was one time when he divided a portion of his kingdom into equal parcels and gave each contestant control over one of them, and the person who could extort the most tax revenues out of the citizenry in a fixed time period was the winner. I hope he comes soon though because I really want to get this over with so we can finish the Gate to Carpathia mission.”

“Is everyone here looking for Carpathia?”

“Pretty much. Wait a second, I think I hear Prince Arthanis coming.”

A few minutes later…

Prince Arthanis addressed the crowd of assembled adventurers. “Congratulations, Princess Talia is safe! But out of the many gathered here today, only one will win her hand in marriage! This time, the contest will be simple. I will give you all a question. Anyone who thinks they know the answer may come forward. Answer correctly and you will win Talia’s hand, but answer incorrectly and you will get your head chopped off!”

“Excuse me, Prince Arthanis?” Beltrax shouted out. “Wouldn’t the rule about getting your head chopped off not only lead to a barbaric waste of human life but also have the potential to leave our kingdom completely undefended against evil? And besides, what’s the point of this whole competition in the first place? Why can’t Talia just choose whoever she wants to?”

“If you don’t shut up your head will be the first one chopped off,” Arthanis said. “Now let’s get on with the competition. And the question is: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Someone in the back raised his hand and shouted out an answer. “I know this, I think it was in that Monty Python book. Is it an African or European swallow?”

“Sorry, that’s incorrect,” Arthanis said. “Go up to the guillotine!”

Someone else yelled out another answer. “Altarian or Carpathian?”

“Sorry, that’s not right. Two people killed in a row and still nobody has won the prize. Anyone else?”

“I’ve got it! I know the answer!” Adrian said. “It’s a trick question. Unladen swallows don’t actually fly. They simply hover about one and a half meters above the ground, thus giving the outward appearance of flight but completely eliminating any conceivable tactical or survival advantage associated with actual flying ability.”

“That’s absolutely correct!” Arthanis said. “We have a winner! And you notice, I only had to kill two people! That’s a lot better than last time! Come forward, Talia! Come forward, Adrian!”

Adrian and Talia walked up in front of Arthanis. “So, Talia, now I get to marry you?” Adrian said.

“Marry me? Now? But I don’t even know you? You really think I’m supposed to marry you on the spot right now just because you answered some silly trivia question? And you weren’t even the one who rescued me! All you adventurers are just selfish bastards who don’t care about anything besides their loot and their quest rewards.”

Adrian turned to Arthanis. “Didn’t I win her hand in marriage? Wasn’t
that the deal?”

“Technically, you only won her hand in marriage. You still have to win the rest of her body. Or you could try to get her to marry you voluntarily, your choice.”

“How about this, Talia?” Adrian said. “You don’t have to marry me just yet. I’m not just another selfish adventurer like the rest of them. How about if you join me on my next mission and you can watch me to see if you think I’m selfish. After you watch me in action maybe you’ll reconsider.”

“Okay, that’s a deal. Hopefully once I get to know you better I can make my decision. But I’m still not really sure if this is a good idea…”

Crix Lionheart · Jul 08, 2005, 04:28 AM // 04:28

I can honestly say I read this entire thing. Pretty funny stuff. You're a good writer. And some of the things brought up in this story accurately reflect MMORPGs.

ManadartheHealer · Jul 08, 2005, 06:20 AM // 06:20

I read it. 'Twas a very riveting story

Ikinsey · Jul 08, 2005, 06:40 AM // 06:40

Very good story, loved it!

Alex319 · Jul 09, 2005, 03:03 AM // 03:03

Thanks for the good reviews! I hope you keep reading my story because there's plenty more to come. By the way the one thing that I was worried about when I saw that people were responding was that they would complain that I "wasn't being faithful to the source material" in the prologue when I said that the humans were able to win the war against the monsters because they found the instruction manual, since in real life most video game instruction manuals contain little to no useful information. But without further ado, let's get to the next chapter!

********************

Chapter 6: Keeper of the Map

Later, at the cave of the Keeper of the Map…

“What if you decide not to marry me?,” Adrian asked Talia.

“Well, then I’ll go find another cave and wait until another hero comes to rescue me, I guess. That’s how monarchical succession works in this kingdom: the princess gets imprisoned, then the first person to rescue him gets to be the new ruler. It’s worked for the past five dynasties, it will work fine for this one as well.”

The party arrived at the mouth of the cave, and Adrian explained the mission.

“We’ve got to infiltrate this cave and kill all the monsters in it. Also, there’s probably going to be a main boss enemy, we’ve got to kill that too.” After hearing this, Talia withdrew a small amulet from her pack and placed it around her neck.

“What is that,” Adrian asked.

“Oh, nothing. That’s just a good luck charm that I wear whenever I’m going into combat. Makes me feel more secure.”

Beltrax walked over to Adrian and whispered in his ear: “I’m not so sure. To me that looks like a locator beacon, which means that other people might know where we are. You might want to be careful.”

So they went into the cave, killing lots of monsters. Throughout the monster killing process, Princess Talia was becoming repulsed by all the killing.

“Are you sure this is the mission?”, she asked. “You’re supposed to be heroic, yet all you do is go around killing innocent wildlife and monsters?”

“Yes, of course we are. And besides, these guys aren’t innocent. They have an evil necromancer called the Keeper of the Map who is their mastermind, I know he’s here somewhere. It said so in the quest description. And we need to kill him in order to get the map to the Gate to Carpathia.”

So they continued exploring the cave until eventually they found the room where the main boss was. Princess Talia was uncomfortable by the killing, so she stayed outside the room while everyone else went in. While she was outside, she activated her amulet (which was, in fact, a locator beacon).

Inside the Main Boss Room…

Adrian stepped forward to confront the Keeper of the Map. “I am Adrian, a member of the elite Paladins of Altaria! Your evil activities shall go on no longer! Prepare to be smited!”

“What evil activities?” the Main Boss replied. “I have done nothing wrong! What proof have you for your accusations?”

Adrian continued: “Stop trying to evade the question! I know what you are doing here, and you are just trying to hide it! Answer me or I will smite you!”

“What do you think I am doing here?”

“Answer the question! Are you now, or have you ever, been a member of the Necromancers’ Party? Have you attended any meetings of the Necromancers’ Party?”

“No, I’m just –“

“You have had your chance! I will smite you!”

Adrian rushed at the Keeper of the Map with his sword drawn and attacked. The first blow came down so hard that it completely destroyed the Keeper’s shield and knocked him to the ground. Adrian continued attacking, and the Keeper parried a few blows but it was clear that Adrian was going to win. Adrian eventually knocked the sword completely out of the Main Boss’s hand and put his own sword near the Main Boss’s throat, ready to deliver the fatal blow. But just then, he heard a voice scream from back near the entrance to the room.

“Stop right there!”

“Who are you and why are you here?” Adrian asked, while still holding his sword close to the Keeper’s throat.

“We’re lawyers with the ACLU. Altarian Civil Liberties Union. We’ve got a report of some extrajudicial killing around here, and we thought we better investigate.”

“I though he was evil, so I decided to kill him. And besides, that was the quest objective.”

“Do you have an arrest warrant for him? You can’t just go around killing people without getting permission from a court.”

“I didn’t know that. It wasn’t in any of the adventure books Prince Arthanis gave me. In all the books, the hero just goes out and kills the bad guys.”

“Wait a second. You’re here for the Map, right?”

“Yes, that’s what we’re here for. And we had to kill the Keeper in order to get the Map.”

The Keeper rose and began to speak. “You know what? You can have the stupid map. I don’t need it. At least I don’t have to get killed again. I’ve been killed at least three dozen times just in the past week.”

One of the lawyers turned to Adrian. “Come with us. You will appear in court tomorrow. There you will have an opportunity to defend your actions.”

The next day, in the courtroom…

The trial progressed quickly, mostly because Adrian and his party had little to say in their defense. They had been conspiring to kill someone who had done them no harm, no doubt about it. There was nothing more to do than to wait for the sentence.

“I understand that you may not have understood the implications of what you were doing,” said the judge. “Therefore, it is not our intention to punish you, but rather to teach you a lesson. You will be sentenced to spend one week in the Prison of Town 247. There you will see what it is like to be tortured and threatened with death. Hopefully that will discourage you from attempting such actions again. Be warned, if we catch you violating civil liberties again the punishment will be more severe.”

While the adventurers were being transported to the prison, they were excited at the prospect of eventually finding the Gate to Carpathia. “This is really cool,” said Adrian. After we get out of prison we can finally solve this mystery once and for all. The only thing I’m wondering is what he meant when he said he died three dozen times in the past week.”

“I’m not sure either,” said Beltrax. “I’ve heard that scientists think it might actually be possible to resurrect people, but resurrection technology is at least decades away. There must be something we don’t know about. And also, if he’s been killed that many times, that means lots of people have found the Gate to Carpathia. But still nobody’s coming back to tell everyone what’s there. To be honest, I’m as confused as you are.”

Alex319 · Jul 10, 2005, 02:53 AM // 02:53

Chapter 7: Prison Derision

Later, at the Prison of Town 247…

Adrian could not help but think that the Princess was not all she was cracked up to be, seeing as she sabotaged his effort to complete the quest. Adrian told Princess Talia, “You’re a traitor! You’re obviously an enemy of this kingdom. You prevented me from killing the Evil Bad Guy at the end. And now we get to this, this prison. It might turn out that I don’t want to marry you at all, if you keep messing up our quests. I mean, I didn’t even get the 5,000 experience point quest completion bonus.”

Talia replied, “This just proves my point. You adventurers are so concerned about your levels and experience points that you don’t care about civil liberties at all. You just want to kill them, as fast as you can. I had hope that you weren’t that kind of hero, but I wanted to see you in action before I made a commitment. I didn’t want to marry and then have to divorce, because that’s a 15 percent experience point penalty.”

Adrian was unfazed by Talia’s accusations. “See, you care just as much about experience points as I do. So quit your whining about “civil liberties.” I mean, the bad guy wasn’t innocent anyway. I know, I didn’t give them a right to an attorney and I didn’t tell them what they were accused of, but they weren’t criminals, they were enemy combatants. Just remember what Prince Arthanis always tells us: you’re either with us or you’re with the Evil Nonhuman Forces Of Evil, and if you don’t agree with his agenda then you’re unpatriotic.”

Later…

As part of the party’s rehabilitation, they were required to witness the Prison’s torture chambers in action, so they can see how bad torture can get. They peered into one of the torture chambers and observed a human stretched out on the rack, begging for mercy.

“Please! HELP me! STOP it – ARRGGHHGH!”

So far, this was just standard torture stuff, But soon it started to get interesting.

“I told you, Carpathia is an adventurer’s paradise! I gave you the information! Now let me out. -squeak- -stretch- YYYAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!”

Adrian asked the guard on duty what kind of information they were trying to extract. “In this wing are all the people that come through the Gate to Carpathia. I mean, we’re trying to figure out what’s behind there, but nobody we send through comes back, but sometimes people from Carpathia come
through this way, so what better way to find out than by asking them?”

“But why do you have to torture them?”

“We’ve tried asking them nicely. But they keep saying the same things. They say it’s an adventurer’s paradise. But it has to be incredibly dangerous, because nobody who has entered has ever returned, so they must be either getting killed or captured and put to work for some evil scheme.”

Meanwhile, the interrogation was continuing:

“ARRGHHH! Okay, fine! You can buy 4 tickets for the price of 3! Save more with super deals – YOWWWWW!”

“Answer the question! What evil dwells within the depths of Carpathia?”

“I told you! We have all kinds of monsters! Levels 1-50 and more on the way! And plenty of –AAAAAHHHH”

“We know there are monsters! We want to know what evil scheme the monsters are being used for!”

“There’s no evil scheme! We just want to create a safe and –YYEEOOOWW – healthy environment for adventurers – AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!”

“I know you are lying! Tell the truth or the torture will continue!”

“Okay! For a limited time only you can get 25 percent off on all magical items – AARRGGH – YOWWWW – and here in Carpathia we have the latest line of Heal-O-Aid Mark VI Super Strength Healing Potions at all the general stores – AAYYYOOOWW – we’ve been rated number one –AAYYYYYYYAAARRRGHHHHH!!!!”

“It doesn’t look like we’ll get any more information out of this person. But we’ve got several other people who have already come through the portal. We can torture them, too.”

“You say that nobody comes back once they go through,” Princess Talia said.
“But maybe they’re not coming back because they don’t want to be captured and tortured like this.”

“That’s not a problem,” said the guard, producing a list of names. “We keep a record of everybody who has gone through. If someone who we sent through returned, we would know he’s one of us and not a Carpathian, so that’s not a problem.”

“I see there’s several dozen names on this list,” said Adrian. “Have you sent anyone through that has telepathic powers? That might be useful because they could use there telepathy to communicate back.”

“Actually, we did send one through, her name was Teletha. She told us, though, that because of the long distances involved she would only be able to send one message back. It was something about “45 gold pieces per minute”. We did get the telepathic message, and it says, that yes, there was an evil scheme going on.”

********

Meanwhile, somewhere in Carpathia…

Teletha was trying to telepathically communicate with her homeland when she said,

“Come to Carpathia. It’s like an XP machine.”

But with all the static on the line, what they heard was:

“Run from Carpathia. There’s an evil scheme.”

It turned out it was all just a case of bad telepathy.

Get the Sprint TPS Free & Clear Plan from Telepathic Communications today!”

********

Eventually, the heroes were released from prison and made their way toward the Gate to Carpathia, the previous events only heightening the mystery as to what lay beyond. Was Carpathia really an adventurer’s paradise? But if so, then why wasn’t anyone coming back to tell the tale? Or were those who passed through the portal being trapped there forever, perhaps by some malicious being bent on world domination? But if that was the case, then how could he be stopped if nobody was strong enough to escape his clutches? And who was this “Kalmeth” that the robber had mentioned? Could he be involved in some way? As Adrian, Beltrax, and Princess Talia stepped through the portal, none knew the truth behind the mystery. But they would find out soon enough…

That’s the end of Part 1. But it’s nowhere near over! Stay tuned for Part 2: “Side Quests, Snide Quests”!

Alex319 · Jul 11, 2005, 04:26 AM // 04:26

Chapter 8: “Welcome to Carpathia!”

After stepping into the portal, the heroes found themselves propelled through a long tunnel of swirling purple light. They eventually came out on the other end of the portal. They tried to look around but before they could a large robed figure stepped in front of them, blocking their view.

“You may not pass!”, it said.

“Who are you?” asked Adrian. “And why can’t we go through?”

“I am the Gatekeeper. You may not pass!”

Beltrax whispered in Adrian’s ear. “This looks like the bad guy,” he said.

“What makes you think so?”

“Well, he’s big, and he’s blocking our way, and we can’t get by him without defeating him, so I guess…”

Adrian turned back to the Gatekeeper. “I am Adrian, of the elite Paladins of Altaria! Your evil activities will go on no longer! Prepare to, uh, um – I forgot my line. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to defeat you.”

The Gatekeeper thrust his staff down on the ground, creating a virtually impenetrable shield around him. “You may not pass! Not without your tickets!”

“What tickets?”

“Where do you think you come from? You can’t just get in for free! You have to buy a ticket just like everyone else.”

“Stop, you capitalist pig!” said Adrian. “There’s no way you’ll stand against me!”

“Don’t call me a capitalist pig,” said the Gatekeeper. “Where do you think the money to operate these portals comes from? Did you think that some ancient wizard just creates the portal in some abandoned area and just leaves it alone forever?”

“Well, yes, that’s what we thought,” said Adrian. “I mean, that’s how it was in all the books…”

“Well, whoever wrote those books must have thought the ancient wizards
were very sloppy, just ripping holes in the fabric of space-time and then leaving them there without cleaning up after themselves. But I’m telling you, these are really heavy-duty portals we’ve got here. Level 16 teleportation spell, maximum capacity 200 people per hour. These things take a lot of magical energy to maintain, and someone’s got to pay for it.”
“How much does a ticket cost?”

“Well, a ticket costs 1,000 gold pieces each. So for the three of you –“

“Three thousand! There’s no way we can afford that kind of money!”

“You can’t afford the measly price of a thousand gold per ticket? I can reduce it for you if you’d like. There’s a special deal of 800 gold pieces if you agree to stay over a Saturday night.”

“We don’t have any money at all. We’re all broke.”

“Very well, then,” said the Gatekeeper, summoning up dark magics to cast a magical spell on the party. “I have enchanted you with the Mark of Bad Credit. With this mark, nobody will loan money to you. The only way to remove it is to bring the fare of eight hundred gold pieces a person back to me, right here. But you may enter, for now. Just follow the corridor to your right to watch a short introductory video.”

A few minutes later…

Adrian, Beltrax, and Talia sat in a dark room with several other people watching a screen. “Be quiet,” whispered Beltrax. “The video’s about to start.”

*****************

(The scene opens with a princess standing next to a handsome young prince standing in front of his throne in a beautiful palace. The Princess starts to talk.)

PT: Hello, I’m Princess Triala. Welcome to Carpathia! Here in Carpathia we’re proud of being the number one destination for adventurers and evil-fighters all over the continent. We want to make sure that you’re stay here is the most fun, exciting, and productive that it can possibly be. To tell you about some of our unique services that ensure that everyone can accomplish that, here’s our kingdom’s ruler, our very own Prince Larethian MXMVIII.

PL: For the last time, Triala. It’s MCMXCVIII. You’re not allowed to have an X before an M. It says that –

PT: Whatever. Can you stop bothering me about that every single time and just stick to the script?

PL: Okay. I’m Prince Larethian MCMXCVIII, ruler of the great kingdom of Carpathia. Here in Carpathia you don’t have to look far to find success stories of people that were down on their luck adventuring in other kingdoms but suddenly became a lot more prosperous after they’ve come here.

(A brief video clip of another adventurer is displayed. The caption identifies him as “Joe Newbie.”)

JN: I used to live in one of those backwater kingdoms in the middle of nowhere. In fact it was so small that I was the only adventurer around. It was fine for a bit until I cleared out all the initial areas and then I found out that because I didn’t allocate my skill points properly I was too weak to fight any of the higher-level monsters, and I couldn’t go back to the low-level areas because I already cleared them out.

PL: But here in Carpathia there’s no shortage of monsters of all levels. If the current area is too hard for you then you can go back to an earlier area. Of course because the experience point formula is based on the difference between your level and the monster’s level, if you have to go back and fight lower-level monsters you’ll be fighting for about 40 hours straight before you gain one pip on your experience bar. But at least it’s better than nothing.

JM: Yes, I’ve experienced that too. It takes a long time, and there’s a lot of killing the same monsters over and over, and it’s boring sometimes, but you’ll get the hang of it. I can definitely say that Carpathia worked for me.

(The scene switches to someone else. The caption identifies him as “Carth Onasi”.)

CO: Here’s my problem. I thought I was doing fine helping people in my home city of Taris, which was the capital of the whole kingdom. I saved at least three people’s lives, brought in a number of wanted criminals, and then even helped discover a life-saving medicine. But the next day a bunch of evil bad guys came in and took over the kingdom and burned the entire city to the ground and killed everyone in it, so all my hard work was lost! But here in Carpathia I’ve never had to worry about that.

PL: That’s definitely right, Carth. Carpathia City hasn’t been invaded in hundreds of years! But as for not having to worry about your hard work being lost, I would like to point out for all our viewers here that on a lot of the missions if you kill the bad guy but you don’t go back to the NPC to get your quest reward, the bad guy will come back a few days later. But we’re working on that problem. Just give us a few more years and we should have it fixed.

(The scene switches to someone else. The caption identifies him as “Leonard Lootstealer”.)

LL: My biggest problem back where I used to live was that there just wasn’t enough space. I mean, after every time you kill a monster you have to pick up all its stuff, and that adds up to a lot of stuff pretty quickly. So it’s like after I killed three or four monsters I ran out of space in my inventory and then I had to run back to town to sell it. And even worse if I killed more guys than I could carry the loot for, and I ran back to town, then when I got back to where I was all the loot I had left on the ground vanished!

PL: Then you were probably glad to hear about our handheld Multi-Purpose Devices, or MPDs for short. Everyone gets one for free when they first enter Carpathia. They’ve got everything an adventurer needs for survival. First of all, it’s got built-in matter-compression technology, so you can store all the loot you want without it taking up any extra space. And not only that --

LL: And one more problem. I kept getting lost all the time. It’s just that most of the time the only maps available were those ancient maps that are always written in some foreign language that nobody alive today currently speaks, so you have to find the wise old hermit scholar to decipher it, but in order to do that –-

PL: I was just about to get to that, Leonard. The MPDs have global positioning technology so you’ll never have to use a clumsy parchment map again! And in case you need to contact your party members, we’ve got long-distance communication technology that allows you to contact anyone in Carpathia!

(The scene switches back to Prince Larethian in his throne room.)

PL: But here in Carpathia we’re not just about adventuring and fighting evil. We also cater to people of many different occupations. Let’s look at what one future Carpathian citizen has to say.

(The scene switches to a small boy. The caption identifies him as “Johnny Farmboy”.)

JF: Hi. I’m just a little farm boy growing up in a poor family in a third-world kingdom. I’ve heard stories of heroes. Fighting evil and all that. That sounds cool but it’s also dangerous. I mean, you could get killed by the forces of evil. But all I want is a good job that’s safe. Like a postal carrier. Are there postal carriers in Carpathia?

(The scene switches back to Larethian in the throne room.)

PL: You’re in luck, Johnny! The postal industry is one of the fastest-growing industries in Carpathia today. There’s always going to be NPCs that want you to deliver items from one place to another for no apparent reason than to make the missions take longer, so we’ve capitalized on it! I can definitely tell you that there’s no shortage of work for postal carriers.

PT: Thank you, Prince Larethian MCMXCVII. Is there anything else you want to say?

PL: Yes. Prince Larethian MCMXCVII died about two months ago. I’m Prince Larethian MCMXCVIII.

PT: Thank you for joining us. Once again, welcome to Carpathia, and we hope you enjoy your stay!

***********

Adrian, Beltrax, and Talia exited the room, each one picking up an MPD from a rack on the wall. As they walked out, Beltrax turned to Adrian and said,

“And with all this technology, they still use swords for fighting?”

Hannibal · Jul 14, 2005, 03:12 PM // 15:12

Very funny, can't wait for the next chapter... (seriously i'm bored here at work)

Alex319 · Jul 18, 2005, 12:00 AM // 00:00

I'm sorry I didn't get this next chapter up faster, it was just that for some reason I couldn't get to the site for the past few days. I don't know why. Anyway, here goes...

--------------------

Chapter 9: Special Delivery

Adrian, Beltrax, and Talia walked outside the door and saw a city bigger than any they had ever seen before. There were lots of tall buildings with lots of windows, although closer inspection would reveal that many of the windows were not windows at all; they were merely texture-mapped surfaces designed to look like windows. In front of them they saw a sign:

******

Welcome to Carpathia City!
Our Motto: “Where no hero who enters ever returns – but not for the reasons you might think.”

******

“I wonder what that means?” Adrian said.

“I don’t know. Just can we kill the evil so we can go home?” Talia replied.

“Not yet. Look, we have no clue what’s going on. First of all, we have to earn money so we can pay them and remove these marks. Also, we don’t know where the evil is. And even after we find the evil we want to level up enough so we can fight it, This isn’t going to be a short mission.”

“I was really hoping that we can just get this over with so I can make my decision and we can go home and live happily ever after.”

“No, we can’t. There’s probably an evil plot going on right now as we speak. We can’t just quit now and let our kingdom be destroyed.”

“Okay, whatever. I just have one thing to ask of you: can we have a romantic love scene?”

“A love scene? Right now? I don’t like love scenes. I just want to skip this cutscene so we can get to the action.”

“Well, I’m a princess. The only thing I’m any good at is love scenes. If we don’t have a love scene now, can we at least have a love scene somewhere along the way?”

“I’m still not sure this whole love thing is a good idea. But here’s a deal. If we see a sign from Heaven that tells us to have a romantic love scene, then we’ll have one.”

“A sign from Heaven? Got it.”

They looked ahead and saw a strange sight. Most people were walking around on the streets, with only a few on horses and horse-drawn carriages. Also, most were wearing some sort of armor and carrying weapons. The most interesting thing, though, was that there were several people who were just standing on the sidewalks and not moving anywhere, and who had a green arrow on top of their heads pointing down. Adrian approached one to talk to him.

“Hello. Who are you wand why do you have a green arrow above you?”

“I’m a quest-giving NPC,” he replied. “Do you want to make some money?”

Adrian turned to Beltrax. “Well, it sure is a hell of a lot easier to find quests here than it was in Altaria. Those people in that video weren’t lying.” He turned back to the NPC. “Of course I want to make some money. How do I do it?”

“Take this package and deliver it to my friend, who is waiting at the green waypoint on your minimap.”

“What green waypoint?” asked Adrian, but the NPC didn’t reply.

Beltrax pointed to a dot on his MPD. “The mission waypoint is right here, Adrian. I think all we have to do is go here.”

A few minutes later…

“Thanks for the package!” the NPC said when Adrian delivered him the package. “Here’s your five gold piece reward. Do you want to make some more money?”

“We can always use some more cash.”

“Okay then. Deliver this package to my other friend over at the green waypoint on your minimap.”

Several hours later…

“Thanks for the package!” the NPC said when Adrian delivered him the package. “Here’s your five gold piece reward. Do you want to make some more money?”

“How many more times do I have to do this?” said Adrian. “I’ve delivered over four dozen packages so far. I didn’t come to this legendary utopian kingdom just so I could become some kind of postal worker.”

“Not very long, actually. This is the last package you’ll have to deliver. But it’s urgent! You’ll only have ten minutes to get it to the destination or else you’ll fail the mission.”

“But if it’s that urgent, why don’t you deliver it yourself rather than waiting for some schmuck on the street to walk up to you and offer to deliver the package for you?”

“Don’t waste time talking to me. The clock’s ticking.”

9 minutes and 30 seconds later…

The heroes rushed to the destination. They could see the destination in plain sight but it wasn’t clear they were going to make it in time. Adrian pulled out a potion that he said would help.

“This is a Potion of Speed. Prince Arthanis gave it to me as part of my reward for the first tutorial quest. I’m going to drink it!”

“Don’t!” Beltrax replied. “Remember the interview? In Chapter 2? Where that guy said that all of Prince Arthanis’ magical items don’t work right?”

“My only chance is to drink it!” Adrian said and drank it. Unfortunately, it was actually a mislabeled Potion of Paralysis. Adrian fell to the ground and couldn’t move. The timer on the box beeped.”

“Oh, darn, we failed the mission,” said Beltrax. “I told you not to drink it.” Beltrax picked up the package and walked to the NPC who he was supposed to deliver it to.

“Sorry, you didn’t do it in time, so I can’t accept this
package. But you can bring it back to the person you got this quest from to try it again.”

Beltrax turned back to Adrian, who could get up now that the effects of the paralysis have worn off. “Come on. Let’s go back so we can try this mission again.”

Several tries later…

“Congratulations!” the NPC said, taking the package from Adrian. “Here’s your 25 gold piece reward. The NPC opened the package, revealing a glowing orb, which he dropped down a chute in the wall. “I’m just wondering: How come you have to go back to the beginning if you don’t get the package here in 10 minutes?” Adrian asked.

“We’re really not sure. It must be some quirk of the power generation magic. They think it has something to do with the matrix alterations at the penultimate node not being stable, so if it takes too long to travel here then the orb reverts back to its previous state and can’t accept the etheric energy infusion, which means –”

“What do you mean, ‘power generation magic’?”

**********

Carpathia’s power generation and distribution infrastructure is widely held to be the most modern and reliable of those of all kingdoms on the continent. In fact it is so reliable that in all of its more than 150 years of operation under the current system there has been a power failure only once, and that probably shouldn’t count anyway because the power failure was localized to a very small area which included only the lair of an extremely powerful evil monster who would have taken over a very large area of the kingdom except for the fact that he wasn’t able to activate his Super-Technobabble-Tronic Mind Control Ray because his power went out. In order to understand why it is so reliable, it is necessary to look at its history.

The alchemical method of synthesizing the so-called “etheric fluid” has long been known, and is quite simple as it requires only a cauldron, a large quantity of water, and the patience to say the words “Synthetronis Etheria” several hundred times in a row. Now at this point the reader will probably be wondering what the “etheric fluid” is, given that the word “ether” and its derivatives have been used by various authors to refer to pretty much about anything, from esoteric scientific theories to energy regeneration potions. In this particular case, the “etheric fluid” is useful because, when transported to certain locations known as “etheric nodes”, it interacts with the magical energies to cause an alteration in its etheric matrix. Now this is probably also something I need to explain, because the word “matrix” is another word that can mean just about anything you want it to. Basically, if the substance is transported to the correct sequence of nodes, its matrix can be altered to give it virtually whatever physical, chemical, and magical properties are desired.

The precursor to Carpathia’s present power generation system came about when scientists discovered a sequence of 47 etheric nodes that could transform the etheric matrix in such a way that it would immediately receive a large transfusion of energy from the ether, which could then be harnessed to power electrical devices. So a series of pipes were erected underground where etheric fluid could be poured in at one end and travel immediately to all the nodes in sequence, and then to a central location where the newly infused liquid is piped to numerous power substations across the kingdom, where the power is extracted and used to power electrical devices. This system would have worked fine, except for the fact that it was very easy to sabotage the system simply by cutting a hole in the pipe. While securing the pipes inside Carpathia City was comparatively easy, outside the city, where monsters roamed free, it was very easy for monsters to simply dig down and steal the energetic fluid for their own nefarious uses.

The Great Power Blackout of 3763 occurred when a determined group of terrorists managed to plant bombs at virtually all points of the distribution network at the same time. When the bombs were detonated, the entire kingdom was almost instantly plunged into complete darkness. The damage was so extensive it would take weeks, if not months, to repair, and there was no way the populace would be willing to wait that long. Immediately, all eyes turned to the kingdom’s well-liked and charismatic leader, Prince Larethian MCCXLVII, to tell them what to do. This would have been a nearly insoluble problem, except for the fact that immediately after the bombs were detonated, the emergency hyper-coolant unit at the central distribution station automatically triggered, turning the entire storage tank of energized etheric fluid into a gigantic solid block. In oreder to show what needed to be done, Prince Larethian MCCXLVII chipped a small block of material off the side of the large block, manually carried it to the substation powering Carpathia Palace, and inserted it into the etheric substance intake. Unfortunately, he wasn’t wearing proper hand protection at the time, so he was immediately electrocuted. However, the power at Carpathia Palace did turn back on, and Prince Larethian MCCXLVIII led a campaign using donated volunteer labor to transport chunks of solidified etheric fluid all across the kingdom, restoring full power in a matter of days.

There was still a problem in that, although the people rose to the occasion to donate their labor to solve the problem in the short term, there was still a long-term problem. Even if the pipes were repaired, they could easily be destroyed again. But it is also a well-known fact of Carpathian civilization that there exists a large quantity of low-level adventurers who desperately need money to buy equipment so they can kill better monsters so they can become higher level so they can buy even better equipment and so on ad infinitum. Therefore it was immediately decided that all newly energized etheric fluid should be immediately made into solidified orbs and put in an easily accessible location, with a small reward being offered for each orb successfully transported to a needy substation. In this way, power could be distributed, needy people could have an easy source of income, and the system would work for everybody. This new system worked so well that it was soon declared that the etheric fluid would be solidified as soon as it was produced, and even the initial stage of taking the orbs to the original sequence of nodes to energize them would be done by an ad hoc, unorganized, but extremely dedicated corps of anonymous aspiring adventurers.

*********

“Okay, we didn’t need that much exposition, but we get the idea,” said Beltrax. “So taking these orbs to a series of apparently random locations around the city is actually how they generate all their electricity.”

“It definitely sounds contrived to me, but it does seem to explain a lot,” replied Adrian. “For example, I was wondering why each NPC was just giving me back the same package that I gave to them each time.”

“I’m still trying to understand what’s going on here,” said Talia. “So this is your definition of being heroic: just delivering stuff around? You said we were going to find the evil bad guy, and this isn’t helping.”

The NPC jumped in. “Are you tired of delivery missions? Well, in that case, just go to that NPC over there. He’s got even more exciting side quests.